Throughout my (past) times as a professional writer, I discovered this one amazing quote, “Writing is like having sex. When you do it for yourself, you find pleasure. When you do it for others, all you obtain is money, and nothing else”. I begin with that saying because in the past 2 years, after I felt like being a prostitute for words, I stopped writing, because I was afraid (and lazy, in a way).
A lot of people often came to me and say that I’m make a pretty decent writing. Before we go any further, there’s my first missing link ever, a lot of people. Why would I care so much about a lot of people, before I care about the best of myself inside?
We live in the universe consisted of approximately 8 billions human beings. I don’t know about the rest of the population, but being almost solely living inside a certain nation’s society, I almost can recall beyond memories upon the old man’s tales: “Every human being is entitled for the greater good.”
I believe in that, 1000%. Then what was I’m trying to say?
Heavy capitalism, business, and technology development, striving and beating who to be in the top of the chain certainly drained energy and exhaustive, affecting to an individual level. Living in the urban, in one of the most populous city on earth, with the worst traffic jam and commuting time, taught me about how destructive competitions of Industrial 5.0 can be. I read a lot of sayings, until often times, I can’t even recall where did I read one of those, so I don’t exactly remember where I read this: whoever lives in the today’s urban are prone to more stress than ever. In conclusion, doing things for “the greater good” clearly supposed to benefits human beings.
Nevertheless, that’s often not the case from the people around me, where I lived in. By the time I was writing this, I just comprehend fully a film called “Fight Club” (1999). The plot revolved around someone who was trapped inside a mundane life as a corporate employee. Later, he thought he befriended someone, a person he always wished to be, a partner in doing crazy things together, where eventually achieving utopias they both believed in, to find out it was only himself all along. (about the case)
(As this was written, it’s still in between the heavy stream of Avengers: End Game release. You wouldn’t dare to guess how much I want to spoil my minds about Thanos’ conditions, relating to creating an utopia. Be patient, pals. It’ll only take about 10 days more until I can write something about that)
If I’m taking the belief from the very place I grew up, right here, as you read this, I’m risking my very existence as a creature with a vagina (a woman). Or maybe that’s what I’ve always thought. I can’t exactly recall what happened within me. All I can say, I’ve always known that things have to be done perfectly, flawless. Out here, in realistic world, we know it’s bullsh*t. There’s no such a thing as a perfection. As we live on, the only perfect thing possible, is to embrace that imperfection is existential and inevitable.
For the longest of time, I’m trying hard to avoid the limelight. I feel something’s wrong with my skin. How can’t I enjoy small talks? (Whilst most people do). How can’t I embrace the (so-called) notion of ‘You Only Live Once’ (where by technically being a millennial I should’ve thrilled by it) ? If women are destined to settle, having a stable life, why do I never find myself get erected by it? If women (or maybe people in general) are supposed to be a part of huge clans, why do I only find contentment from a small circle of life, where I can be genuine (both crazy-stupid and idealist-intelligent)? If writings are supposed to make people good (not disturbed instead), if writings are supposed to make people understand what kind of a behaved and well mannered the writer(s) is/are, why does it feel not right? If life is only about being liked or popular, why almost 90% of the populations were not born while being broadcast-ed live?
I’m in my early 20s, and I’m often distorted. I feel like living in two different kind of realities. The books I read, the podcasts I encountered, the stories I witnessed online or offline, the feature films I watched, are about people who dare to throw everything out of the window on their 20s, risking life, take an example as just going to L.A, live a crappy life for a while (approximately 3-5 years) until eventually be the prominent filmmakers. While those who live close to mine are people who settle in life, living a life of ‘enough’. The same people will often repeatedly told me, “In the end, you’re not going to want what you want, and wished a simple life instead”.
Simplicity. I find nothing wrong about that. It’s beautiful. By the end of the day, what brings contentment is a full comprehension that you have enough, to understand, that until you realize that you create your own barometer of ‘enough’, you’ll never experience ‘enough’. However, what I’m talking about is a whole different case. What I’m talking about is living your purpose relentlessly, with no regret, keeping the flame on forever (perhaps until the age of 90s. Stan Lee, creator of almost 200 Marvel characters), NOT just because you still posses the energy of 20s, but because you genuinely driven by it.
People always think that being sinful is by ‘doing evil’, something alike killing, pre-marital sex, jealousy, hatred. For me, the greatest sin a human can attain is to not living the life they’re destined to be, whilst they were created and equipped for that. For example, if you’re scarily gifted as computer programmer, or an actor, or a writer, but you just settle for a staying at home person job, because you are afraid and not willing to take the risk (maybe because it’s hard or unnatural), isn’t it a waste of life?
Sometimes, being a paradox of human being makes me wonder how things can possibly be more stressful, tiresome, or worst lonely. At the same time, it can be even more frustrating because people will repeatedly infiltrate that your problems will diminish once you be the part of a flock (again, women do flocking and nesting, at least that’s what the mainstream believe). Well, honestly, I do have few number of people in my squad. It does helping, but not all the time. The most important part, is that you still have to stand firm on your own thing first.
Last, I’m going to put my final confession. For the longest of times, I hide, because I don’t want a risky life, of being rejected, ridiculed, or bullied again. Over the time, it made me grow lazy. It’s scary to put the letter of confession for the world to see. Still, I’d do it anyway, as the statue of me trying to improve my life, to pursue whatever important purpose I was destined to be.
I’m not the kind of woman you wished to be. I’m just a plain human being in the huge world. I don’t really believe in typical gender roles association. I’m here to do my things, whether you like it, or not. I write, become a prominent filmmaker, and maybe more in the future, I still have not much things to confirm. If my existence disturbed you who once calm, and calmed you who once disturbed, that’s the sign that I’ve done the right thing.
Jakarta
May 3rd, 2019
Prominent Queen est. 1995 