Prominent Queen est. 1995

#QuarterLYsis – Look inside the silence

“What are you afraid of?”

“What are you waiting for?”

For the longest of time, those voices haunted my head. Constantly.

For me, letting myself to feel is a conflicting process. (The reason behind every time “something” takes place, including the wonderful ones, I turned to books and films).

Let alone telling them. The journey is even more perplexing.

My complicated relationship with emotion most often boils down to procrastination. Sometimes, if not most of the times, it resulted on a person who did nothing. Or even, if something is indeed being done, it was already too late, resulting nothing actually was created.

I write, sometimes. Albeit, most often, I communicated with myself, talking them out loud, on my own. For the past few months, after the pandemic hit, I recorded a lot of pieces on my phone. June 8, 2020, as my phone was theft, it marked the moment when I stopped actually recording them.

5 days later, by the time I was writing this, it was June 13, 2020. It was one of the most important date in my life. As if it was a fate, as I also was immersed in between my workout, something kicked me on the face, hardly: “The reason you did nothing is because you’re just afraid. Afraid of the mixed feeling that took place as a result of learning, growing.”

Once, a person very dear to me told something,

“Having fear is essential. It kept you alerted. Eventually, it propelled you to places you are meant to be.”

I always think that my name and “fear” are more often an automatic partner, similar to “being different and discrimination.”

I fear a lot of thing indeed.

Being wrong, being ridiculed, being different, being too much, being too smart, being disliked, being hated, being too ugly, being too dumb, being too late, being to unprepared, Oh Lord, I can go on forever with the list.

I have written so much, chapters I never got to finish. To say that this is another new beginning is peculiar.

So, I’d rather say, this is a writing I definitely will never finish. Perhaps, this will serve as the recording device for the person I am becoming.

Let’s begin again, I’d rather be addressed as L. I am an introvert, a highly sensitive person, and a highly performing individual. I am easily terrified. Basically, I am an odd to the society and the norm.

Through this writing, this journey, I aim to convert the pairing of my name…..

… some time in the coming days, hopefully not so far from now, the pair that automatically goes with my name would be….

….. anything, the best of me who is always meant to be.

L

Indonesia,

June 13, 2020