Prominent Queen est. 1995

“She is very talented. Too bad she got snubbed.”

OR

“How come someone ‘just like that’ earn a higher ranking position like that?!”

How often do we find such scenarios, over and over again?

At one scenario, we found a person who seemed like “deserving” turned out to be snubbed, badly. 

Communication skills they say

Bad “attitude” as well

Whilst these two situations actually exist, once we dig deeper, we know that things are not as simple as that. People got snubbed a lot, because some other people found themselves on a hot water, thus they do everything to weaken the “smaller parties.”

And again, although the cases vary from one to the other, I should say that this case fascinate me, a lot. Mostly because I often found myself “snubbed” again and again.

According to Alfred Adler devotee (teleology), I am perhaps being too “Freudian.” (aetiology).

According to google, teleology is explained as this : relating to or involving the explanation of phenomena in terms of the purpose they serve rather than of the cause by which they arise.

On the other hand, aetiology described as: The cause, set of causes, or manner of causation of a disease or condition.

Chill, if you do not get it where this is going. Let me explain.

Based on teleology, it is believed that those incidents above should not have affected the person  impacted at all. Thus, even if they got snubbed, they should’ve moved on, and carry on. Eventually, they will nail it, in the right time, place, and moment. In a retrospect, it means “nobody has been snubbed at all!”

In contrast, according to aetiology, the unfortunate events above happened because some other parties, being, bigger than the “victims” are playing God on those who are impacted. Thus, those people are at lost, be stripped off their “most rightful rights.” If only they were not snubbed, they must’ve got what they “deserve.”

Now the question is, which one is right?

I am no amateur, but I think, I have to say, neither. It depends on what one desire choose to believe is right.

Before I carry on further, I perhaps have to state that my view is personal, and is potentially lean more onto Adler’s. However, please understand, that under no circumstances I endorse either one. Lastly, I can only tell the story based on what I am currently experiencing.

Today, I am going to specifically highlight one question that was born out of latest experiences: Am I trapped in this phase of life?

For the record, I am a commuter who live in Bekasi, West Java, Indonesia, and work in South Jakarta, Indonesia. My office is not exactly a fancy one. Rather, it is a small branding & marketing startup agency. But compared to many scene, I am paid rather greatly, especially in the time of pandemic.

However, since back in March, I felt like I am trapped in this phase of life. Honestly, it is not a completely new story. Everyone who know me well must’ve encountered this one story of mine at least once.

I called myself a late bloomer. I blamed myself for taking pharmacy school (even sometimes, blaming my parents and circumstances). I hated myself for not taking enough chances. I hated myself for kept on being dreamy, too afraid to leave the nest, or comfort zones. I hated myself on keep on dodging opportunities, by being a great procrastinator.

My current reading is “The Courage to Be Disliked,” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.  Unlike most of my reading, hit me on the face right on, because it kept forcing me to take a retrospect on the incidents in the paragraph above. Perhaps, it is the teleology reinforced its way into my head. I do not know for sure.

“I called myself a late bloomer.” Sure, it is true. But what did you do about it? Why did you not do what you believe must be done?

“I blamed myself for taking pharmacy school.” Was I actually trying to say, “Look, I ”misjudged’ once in my life. The next ones will kept on repeating itself.”

“I hated myself for not taking enough chances.” Then why did not I? Or, is it what it is? Is it what I felt what it is?

“I hated myself for kept on being dreamy, too afraid to leave the nest, or comfort zones.” Is it another unfinished business deep within me? Do I really think staying benefits me more than leaving? Do I really not deserve to be happy, to start again? 

“I hated myself on keep on dodging opportunities, by being a great procrastinator.” Is it because I under appreciate my own powers to face new reality? Is it because I am afraid to go into the unknown? Is it because of the inferiority (and indirect superiority) I bestowed upon me?

Of course I am not trying to invalidate my “under privilege:” commuting, “lack of supporter,” and many more.

However, I have to say that I am relatively “more privileged” than most people. I have a wage much higher than national average wage. I live under my parents’ roof, which means I do not have to worry about rent. I do not live in war zone. I can afford healthy and balanced meal.

Even though situations is not as good as I wished them to be, I perhaps is “trapped” not because I am powerless. Rather, it is because I am too scared to leave. I worried too much.

Do not get me wrong, I am not trying to be reckless. Compared to general population, I am one who is instinctively and naturally be over obsessing on possibilities and worst case scenarios (which more often than not caused me less action plan, or not at all). Even so, I think it is about the damn time I need to flee, leave.

To create new story, more stories, better stories. My own stories.

To be free of fear of failure.

Nevertheless, I am still genuinely terrorized. I feel lonely. I feel alienated.

Perhaps, Queen was right. “I want to break free, I need to break free.”

However, boiling down to the title of this writing, to the first notion of what I highlighted….

…. Is it perhaps safe to say that I am not constrained by anything?

Is it not me who has been chocking myself in self doubt?

Is it me who choose to be drown, and not swimming around?

Is it?

Is it?

Maybe, is it the damn time I have to move on, even if I am greatly confused on what’s next, where to next.

Essentially, I have to say, I was the one who holds me back, not the situations.

August 5, 2020

My Self Reflection, on My Office’s Bedroom, Pondering How to Improve This Life of Mine. (And questioning, why everyone on Instagram are much better than I do?)