Prominent Queen est. 1995

“A person like you must create, or else, you are being a menace to the society.” – Where Would You Go, Bernadette (2019)

Never have I ever encountered such a piece, be it writing, film quotes, or books that speaks so much truth about me, in very less.

So yeah, I love to create. Or to be precise….

I love to write, I love to create, I love to make, I love to lead, I love to speak up, I love to learn, I love to read, I love to travel, I love to imagine the best possible scenario for the future.

I love the world, although it can treat me worse than a shit

I love people, although most of the times, they interpret me as the menace for being different

“You need to write. Perhaps it is the best, if not only, way keep yourself sane. To keep your feet on the ground. To be absolutely free.” – Ms. CI

I know what I aspire to be. But right here, right now, I do not think things are enabling me to head toward that direction.

“You are an adult. Speak your mind. Make your mind. Be responsible. Talk. You are behaving like a child, using your feeling to fkcing much. You are intelligent, yet having no attitude” – Mr. Gale

Now, Mr.Gale is one of the most passive aggressive being in my life. At times, he can be the one who teach me so much. At another occasion, he was the reason I am being so stressed with my life.

He taught me that I have a problem with attitude, which something I will not deny. (I do have the tendency to be very outspoken, which in times, in the process of human interaction or my own not-admitted ignorance, came out as being super arrogant.)

But me, as a human being, I bear my own perspectives too…. That Mr. Gale did not behave well himself, treating me like I do not matter at all.

Maybe, it is because of my demeanor. A lot of people say that I bear this “though girl” personality. At one time, my co-worker stated, “You can drop Lidya around Afghanistan, and she would have survived that path. Hell, she could even kill those terrorists herself.”

I do not have anything to confirm nor deny that notion. Although, what I can not tell, is that deep down, I do not fit the stereotype of “strong people” stereotype. 

I cry a lot. I feel deeply. I am scared too much. I am frequently insecure.

I need the support of intelligent people, who I can count on. I need beings who can tell me with carenesss, not hatred, every time I, as a natural human being, eventually make mistakes.

To be fair, I can also be a dickhead. I am not one who silently succumb into general opinion. If I have something to say, if I have my stance, I hold dearly into them. And at times, I am very open in communicating them. (Even in times perceived as “inappropriate.”)

But, it is not because I believe I am the most righteous person. Rather, I want you to debate me, to use your intelligence on me, but at the same time, still be caring for me. (And never once I remember people addressing this very situation, in pure curiosity, not judgement.)

I know it is a lot to ask. Which was why, I deal a lot with creating characters. Films, stories, books, pieces of art, quite possibly, businesses. (For an artist, anger, pain, and emotion can turn into beautiful pieces after all!)

I used to be one who was deeply pained by people’s expression on me. (I still am, from time to time). Then, I recalled those times…. Those moments, when I let my feelings overtake me, because I did not write them down, trying to intelligently talk them out.

So, now, being my nth version of myself, I can proudly say, that I am writing, in order to unwind, to speak my truth, and most importantly, to stay sane.

That would be a lie to say that I do not need people’s acceptance, or “recognition,” as if, separate myself completely from those kind of circumstances. I am human being after all, and I still live amongst people.

Yes, they can frustrate me, to the bones. For example, when they say I have to always speak the truth, yet when I did, they are offended by it, calling me irrational, or having zero good deeds or respect. (P.S : The fact that I am a woman, to whom expectations to be more “nurturing” be bestowed upon me, does not help, even a single bit. I do not mince my words. And to that, I am called an iron and bitchy person. Yay!)

Nevertheless, despite I still have no idea as to why I am alive, why I am placed in this society, in this particular time, in this particular momentum of humanity’s timeline….

….. I still hold onto hopes, beliefs, that life will be better somehow. That there are still goods in people. That in between millions who hate me (including those who did or will)….

…. there will always be people who are worth fighting for, who deem me worthy for their love, who will look at me and respect for who I essentially am. People, who whilst actively pushing me, still embrace me, and believe in my deeds.

So, I think, writing is indeed a therapy for me, one who will probably never fit in this society. Even that notion itself once brought me to one of this beautiful conversation with a friend, Mr.Samuel. He said,

“What if we, human beings, are never meant to belong 100% to one place? What if our very existence, and amount of being belong, is constructed from countless of small “belonging” here and there. You can 10% belong in the office, 5% in the Church, 18% in your family, and so on. Eventually, those number itself will accumulate to 100%. Maybe it will take you a while to be particularly aware of them. But it does not mean you have to give up, or to stop believing, that somewhere, somehow, you belong, 100%, to this earth, as a whole.”

(Yeap, the universe has its way to bring me to exquisite people who can twist my mind up and down. Something I am greatly thankful for.)

So, this very writing perhaps serve the idea that I am in the process of what I am most needed to be: creating. 

One time, a distant relative taught me, “God creates. So, He loves people who create.”

I am not one religious being. But there’s some extremely deep truth within those simple sentences.

Again, the very essence of this writing of mine is just me, fulfilling what a human being always needed to be: to create.

And me, sitting in this small corner of the universe, happened to be “gifted” to create through words, to write.

So, writing that is.

August 12, 2020

In Between My Own Pain, and Conversation with Fabulous Ms. CI.

Also, recalling painful-and-liberating conversation with Mr.Gale, and most importantly, the mind twisting session with Mr.Samuel.