What is one thing that seems small, yet is actually really monumental if you ponder over it?
For me, it was me and English. I do not write this down out of humble bragging or whatsoever. Rather, I talk because today, as I forced myself to write about anything, that very idea fascinated me.
Bloody hell! How would my own reality be, if I would have never spoken or even encountered English at all?
I could not come to comprehend anything. It was quite surprising that I have not realized it, even after so long.
I am not saying that I am the best at using English. However, as I was formulating what to write about this experience, it stunned me to recall how none in between my origin circle actually fluently used English. Not even for basic daily conversation. That I could use it, it was some sort of blessings and privileges on its own.
But I did work hard for it. Like, super hard. Learning English, in fact, was one of the most beautiful processes that just grew naturally into me. Even so, I never found myself to actually struggle that much, not even the first times I learned them, back when I was 8.
At times, especially during elementary school, I was ridiculed a lot for speaking English on many occasions. I remembered growing wary because of it. Sometimes, I decided to pull myself back from using them. Eventually, when I was still deserted (or practically just because I enjoyed how I sound), I would ended up using them.
On the contrary, it took me years to perfect my English. I did win competitions here and there, especially in correlation with English, even when I was 11. Once, I even presented in front of the then newly appointed DKI Jakarta governor. However, it was only when I was in high school, when I actively dived into English debate society, that I found myself appropriating it more and more.
Undoubtedly, the peak of my process was in my university years. I considered myself privileged and lucky that I was trusted for chances here and there within a few international student conferences. There, I began to use them comfortably. I guessed those times where my English skills developed better.
Remember when I occasionally mentioned how even if you do not realize it, the language you speak shapes the way you behave, your personality and all? It happened to me too. Nowadays, I find myself very reserved in my own mother tongue, but I could blabber on a wide variety of topics in English.
Surprisingly, this is a new thing. After graduating the university in 2017, I did not have many chances to meet international friends as I used to. At some points, my English skills grew rotten because of it. Then, in 2019, as I tried to put much more serious effort into my master study pursuit, I began to write, practiced my English with a friend which I respected so much. Not because she was so “gentle.” Rather, because she could pinpoint my flaws, and is willing to practice along with me.
It is also only in 2019 that I started to let myself be embraced into the reading world again. Because I got ridiculed a lot by my relationship with reading as a child, I used to hide my fondness of reading. This was especially true because every time I read, I got lost, and I did not bother to “come back to reality” which I assumed make a lot of people struggle to connect with me. Regarding this matter, it was only 2019 that I began to comfortably read in English, at least 99% of it. Only then, I decided, if people would want to connect with me, they would fight for it altogether, instead of leaving me behind and spreading false words upon me.
My reading in English brought me to issues I cared about the most: feminism, cultural, history, religions, life science, social science, communication science, computer science, almost everything, and of course: fictions! There are countless others to it, but I think this list would do. No matter how displeasing it sounds, I have to say that many sources in my own mother tongue are poorly written, horribly outdated, even at most, downright biased. I am not saying that the English written materials are not biased. A lot of them are rubbish too. But again, I think because of their more advanced civilization, they had more writings with better education, closer to pure learning materials
I did not realise that this relation of mine with English strengthened me, enabled me to be much more comfortable in my own skin. To be intelligent, to be outspoken, to lead, to be proud of my own ups and downs. Most importantly, English has broadened my horizon. I no longer felt stuck in one place, and having a feeling where I had to bow submissively into “fate.” I could write my own story.
Even so, on the contrary of popular believe, even these days, I do not like being praised. I would rather my work actually benefit someone else, instead of being seen as “the one.” Nevertheless, I can clarify for sure how I have a pang every time someone, especially the daily English user and the native speakers said, “Oh, I did not expect you would be so good in English.”
My feeling about this is very conflicted. At one hand, I understand that not many people from where I came from have “adequate” English. At one time, my foreign friend also lash out an interesting P.O.V, “Think about how many Indonesians, or Asian they meet every day. If they do not meet a lot of people like you, it is not entirely on them to stereotype that Asians (or Indonesians) are bad in English.” On the other hand (despite the case can be varied), I often felt my attempts in perfecting my English in whatever approach is under appreciated. Is it because of the shapes of my Asian eyes that people kept on assuming that I would be bad in English?
Perhaps my writing is just yet-another-ranting I lashed out. However, if it does serve you any good, I would love to summarize some of them:
- Explore languages in which you are comfortable to be in. English, especially the U.K versions (from whichever region) ones actually gave me a sense of belonging. This type of English is also the one that introduced me to Roman languages, even the wide variety of language roots. Now, I found myself learning Spanish, French, and German. (That I love Viking, which brought me to Nordic languages is I assumed related to this)
- Stop stereotyping people who learn languages, even when their speech in those languages is broken. Firstly, stop stereotyping someone can or can not speak some languages just because they look like they are or are not able. (For example, stop assuming someone with “Asian eyes” are Chinese, and will definitely speak Chinese). On the other side, stop bullying someone who can not be “adequate” when they are using new languages, because at least they learn!
So, thank you for reading! Happy learning.
September 11, 2020
In Between Silence to Commemorate 9-11
Prominent Queen est. 1995 