“She is unapologetically comfortable in her own skin, that she proudly does whatever she does.” – Best Friends, Mentees, and all people about the passing Supreme Court Justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
“She is proud of herself, that she never felt the need to be validated.”
“She was never afraid.”
“She was always different, and she knows it.”
“She just does it.”
“She was never discouraged.”
“She was whatever she sets her mind upon.”
“She was just daring, unwaveringly marching toward what she believes in.”
“She was always unapologetic. Even called names and deemed ruthless, she kept moving forward on what she did.”
“She was very creative and unique. She did not care for what haters pointed out upon.”
“She was intelligent, relentless, and most importantly, she was always proud that she knows everything. She was proud of it.”
“Aunt Peggy always said, compromise when you can. When you can’t don’t. Even if the world tells you to move, it’s your job to plant yourself like a tree, and tells them, ‘No. You move.” – Sharon Carter at Margaret “Peggy” Carter funeral, Captain America: Civil War (2016)
“I always wanted to be like your father, bold.” – The friends of Ian Lightfoot’s Father
Honestly, I have always envied bold and brave women throughout my life. I have always wondered myself, “What would it be like to be unapologetically me?”
I have always been afraid to unleash myself, to just speak out my mind
I have always been scared that if people find out my truest self, that I am intelligent, daring, bold, outspoken, bearing endless stream of (scattered) ideas, and most importantly, relentless, people would run away. Intimidated
(Like they always did)
Somewhere inside me, I have always worried that I am both too much and not enough for just everyone in my life
I have always long to live unapologetically, to live out the life where even unconventional, I never have to hide from it
I have always dreamt carrying a life unapologetically, that even if my closest ones, like my family or “supposedly best friend” does not have anything to do with me any longer, that fact will bother me no more (I will just carry on, on my own)
I have always obsessed to be unapologetic
And right now, so far, judging in my own standard, I thought I had done great jobs
With the price which came along
I have always wanted a life where I am unapologetic
And long as my breath stays in me, I will never back down from that idea
But as a greedy human being, I can not help but asking,
“Do people, those women, who live unapologetically ever feel afraid?”
“Do people, those women ever find herself in a hot water? How did they behave then?”
“Do people, those women, ever lost friends, families, and people the cared and loved most in the pursuit of outliving their very authentic belief(s)?”
“Do people, those women, ever reach a point where being in their own skin is very unbearable?”
“Do people, those women, ever have a flash of thoughts about giving up?”
“Do people, those women, ever struggle to have their voice heard?”
“Do people, those women, ever face obstacles in encountering people who truly support them for who they absolutely and authentically are?”
“Do people, those women, ever feel lonely?”
“How do those people, those women, regain their confidence in themselves every time things seem have fallen apart?”
“How do those people, those women, walk away (in style) from people who insisted them to be anything else but themselves?
“How do those people, those women, force themselves up each morning, with spirit to carry and finish the days, even already knowing people are going to reject and dislike them?”
“How do those people, those women, just create, breaking or even totally ignoring the walls of cages, restrictions, rejections, and underestimations?”
“How do those people, those women, found women who support women? How do they support other women?”
“How do those people, those women, ended up with people who will never turn their back upon them?”
“How do those people, those women, carry themselves up again, every time things fell apart?”
“How do those people, those women, constantly taught themselves, ‘There is no one way to be a woman. Be your own fucking version.’?”
I am unapologetic.
But I live inside the cage, the custom, where people would constantly bring me down to my knee, licking their soles, and say, “Thank you, master.”
I am unapologetic.
But it forces me to be my own company.
I am unapologetic.
But it drags me constantly to people who seem to be supportive on my face, and creating holes behind my head and back, actively wishing me to die and fail.
I am unapologetic.
But I am afraid, confused, lost, unsure, things that constantly lure me into procrastination (a successful seduction)
I am unapologetic.
I truly am, I truly will always
So perhaps, I am writing for myself, to remind me
That this journey is about me, and me only
That if I live a truly unapologetic life,
I must stop going beyond me, people or any fucking being calling themselves “angels or evils” beyond me, and solely focus working on me
That I must be both tough and gentle to myself
That even longing for social connection is my nature as a human being, the truly matter social connection are those in which mutual respect exist, where I will never be demanded anything but myself
That I must always at work for what matter most, however unpleasant or tiresome, for myself, all until its final light. To finish, not to be perfect
That the sole responsibility to work on me is mine
That no one will ever accept me, if I can NOT accept myself
That no one will understand me, if I can NOT understand myself
That my happiness lies within my hand, and LITERALLY NOBODY bear responsibility to bring me happiness
That being alone is not a sign of weaknesses
That people are people. They are not “black” or white,” “good or bad.” Some will support me fully, some not even a nimble. And it is my own job to support me.
And if you are unapologetic yourself
I highly applaud for you
I am proud of you
Let no one ever tell you to be anyone but yourself
September 26, 2020
After Watching Everything About the passing Supreme Court Justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg (the Notorious RBG) and Her Unwaveringly Supportive Best Friends, Lovers, and Family
(And being not-so-secretly jealous and proud on the inside)
Prominent Queen est. 1995 