Prominent Queen est. 1995

Inspired by three amazing females in my life: My mom, my uni friend, and my office freelance

“I don’t need you to save me, nor do anything to me. I just need you to LISTEN”

Immediately, I was taken aback. It was somehow a blessing that the communication took place in the form of chat; because otherwise, my gobsmacked face would definitely be shone upon.

Don’t save me, just don’t. I don’t need that.

I was never ashamed to admit about what a huge acts-of-service-being I am. I love to help people, I love to lift them up, I love to strategise and find solutions for them. I love with acts. “If you come to me with this A case, how should I solve your case for you?”

If I’m going to just defend my acts, I would say, “Well, I’m an INTJ to every cells of my body. What do you expect? We love people by ‘fixing’ them.”

Aside from that, if I have to be completely honest, I took the “responsibility” to “wake women up” way too seriously. I have this intense careness and aim, that all women under my watch must be empowered.

I also can comprehend the other big picture as to why I bear this saviour complex self: I grew up, mostly “alone,” emotionally, spiritually, and physiologically. In extension, because of my upbringing, my overthinking, my passion, my intelligence (urgh, my impostor syndrome is kicking in), I was rarely “invited” to the table. Combining both, it was only natural to constantly feel deserted, and thinking, “I wonder if any women are like me too. I need to save them, make them NOT feel what I felt.” Which is both “noble….”

…. And fcked.

Because then, philosophically, I began to see how I could bring me to my own downfall with this saviour complex.

One, not all people, especially women, need me to save them, to “help” them “let out their voice.” Some of them just need me to assure that they are not alone, not the only one; that their feelings are valid.

A couple of days ago, one of the internist-turned-freelancer in my office, a female, did something I never imagined doing; she demanded for fair and just payment, something she was denied from.

Never in right mind I would’ve done that, not even when I was a victim myself, years ago. The premise was so simple: no one did that, especially women; so why should I? Aren’t I supposed to suck it, take it or leave it?

But, thank God I learned feminism, and I was daring to listen to her story and encourage her to stand for herself. To be clear, I was not the only woman supporting her. Other (women) stepped in too. Eventually, she got what she fought for. And to that, I became the one who got empowered.

I couldn’t say for her nor myself that she gained that because of me, for example because I dared to listen (to her stories). After all, I don’t wish to talk about that point. Rather, I would address how I was taught one more time; some people just need you to listen, so they can find the echo of their own sound, eventually be able to find their own voice.

Secondly, I was strucked by my own mind when the thought hit me; “Aren’t always helping other women showed how little the faith you put in them, that you think they are (mostly) invalid?”

I grew up being the oldest daughter in my Indonesian (Asian), household. It is a custom to see the eldest daughter having the burden to be the somewhat-caregiver-in-chief of the household. I admit that I generally tended the needs of everyone in my house; thus becoming something I consistently (although not always consciously) bring out of the house.

Yet, those aside, even though I won’t admit that myself, I often do so, because I think no one will get it right nor perfect; which eventually, I am required to re-do, or in another word, doubling the efforts. Why don’t I just take it from the top, the beginning?

But because of that, I will often find myself extremely exhausted. Exhausted, exhausted, exhausted.

Be it in jobs, studies, or even works I enjoy with every drop of my bloods, like filmmaking. Indeed, I took my life very intensely. Most of the time, I ended up being bitter, and then giving up. Indeed, everything that is “too much” is never healthy.

Mom often addressed the same questions over and over again, “Why wouldn’t you just rest the case to others, to give no more shits?”

How I wish it is that simple, especially if it is involving women.

In too many times in Indonesia, I found women, especially those who are born without privileges in every kinds, are denied of access. It is not even in something “serious.” Sometimes, it is very simple, very day-to-day cause.

For instance, the way our society are generally segregated, resulting in men stick with men and women stick with women. It is common to see men circles gathered, bantered, and have access and connections to excel and enhance their career, job opportunities, or education, thus they talked about it in broad daylight, and finally have their ends meet.

However, for (most) women who stuck with (mostly) fellow women, as we have been denied of our rights for far too long, when we spend time together, we are accustomed to talk more about men (romance and all), motherhood, religious affairs, and most definitely putting our family and marriage planning first, before our lives and choices. (Don’t get me wrong, those topics are essentials. But again, how about women who want different things in life, who aspire not to be the fellow women; to be opinionated, loud, intelligent, leading, and all?)

Thus, I love being this face, this “anomaly” the society casually meet. That I am a woman, and I put my personal development and career first, and foremost. And I am complete. I desire to be the advocate for this movement, this belief.

But I often forget, that my plate is not always others’. Many want different things to mine, thus they don’t need me “saving” them.

So, in that sense, my saviour complex is misplaced again. When that happened, I’d feel frustrated again. To this point, I have no idea about what I should take. Frankly, I write because I am frustrated too.

I will close my statement by saying this; I am surely not an appropriate listener yet. I don’t intend to lower or diminish my acts of service self. Nevertheless, I fully acknowledge that I need to learn and adjust the context, that in a lot of cases to come, I must not be anyone’s saviour.

February 23rd, 2021

In Between Deep Thinking, Tired, and Laying Down in My House’s Terrace