“What is grief, if not love preserving?” – Vision, Wanda Vision the series, Ep.5
It is funny that I am able to write about grief where I have never “technically” felt any grief yet. I mean, as I write this, I still have my parents and my brother with me. Also, to write this is a rather scary approach too. Because, according to many Indonesian standards, anything can be a “sign” for any bad luck.
I am a science person, yet I am deeply affected by it. Shamefully. The latest case I had was back in 2017, when my uncle, my mom’s oldest brother, passed away, out of the blue. Then, my aunt, the wife of my mom’s second oldest brother, spoke something, “Just a week ago, you borrowed my black t-shirt. Was this your sign, your feeling, that he would go today?” At that very spot, I was genuinely shaken. Yeap, this science lady was terrified, by superstitions. Hey, I am only a human after all.
So, my fear aside (as to why I am suddenly driven to write about grief), I still want to proceed writing it. Because, I believe I have indeed faced grief before. Not so long ago, three years or four, I guess.
It was a lost love. Lost. A broken plea for “why can’t this almost become?” Why? So many why combined.
I admit that my writing greatly portray what I felt. When I felt I want to deny something, my writing would be defensive. When I want to admit something, my writing would be… well, what it is.
In one of my psychologist session, there was one question that exceptionally budging me, “Why do you suppress your emotion so excessively? Why don’t you let yourself grief?”
Well, even today, I couldn’t even answer that.
But again, as other lost loves or stories from my life, after years have passed, I can finally, openly, vulnerably admit the thing I have denied for too long:
I grieved. I mourned. I was in intense pain. I was constantly asking myself, “Why? What have gone wrong? Where did I make a mistake?” “Why did I tried so hard?” (and at the same time addressing, “Why did I NOT try harder?”)
I was so much in pain, and that pain hurts. Hurted. Bleed. Mascaraed.
Most people would laugh when they say natural overthinkers. They would say, “Stop thinking about it, just live with it.”
And sometimes, I will find myself offended, especially when talking about this kind of cases.
The reason is very simple, so fucking simple
Many overthinkers are actually deep feelers. We dwell so much in our feeling, and thinking about our feelings. Yes, you read it right. Yes, you may laugh.
But I was so much in pain, and I grief. I grief. I grief.
I am still grieving
March 5th, 2021
After Receiving, “The problem with your situation is that you wish so much from other people to help you, or hand something over to you. They will not.”
Prominent Queen est. 1995 