A Fiction
“You need to be in a relationship, girl.” It was a random auntie she met at the only Asian supermarket in 300km radius
“You need to have a boyfriend, darling,” It was the cousin whom the last time she met, her mom was still around, 15 years ago
“You need to trust love and open up again,” It was a colleague she made, 8 months in the programme
“You need to have a lover,” It was the roommate, whom the only thing she knew about was how loud he is, headbanging; fckn at 4 in the morning
“You need to fck someone again”
“You need to love again”
“You need to”
“You need to”
And she wished all of them could have just died.
They were not there when her father pushed her mom out of the stairs, just because she talked back
They were not there when her father kicked her mother out, just because he was angry; claiming ‘It’s my house. You are just bought in.’
They were not there when the first boy he ever loved told her, ‘You love me? Get back to me when you are 20 kg lighter, and less of outspoken. Maybe I can consider you.’
They were not there when the later man he seriously fight for, travelling for 200km with her last pennies said, “Go get a therapist.”
They were not there when every single men in her life called her “A freak,” “A lunatic,” “An idiot,” or “A Bossy Bitch.”
They were never there, never there.
They were never there when finally she got to score that lay, he raped her
“Why don’t you want to be in love, love?”
She was lingering around the psychological ward. Everyone in her age are crazy about the idea of love. She never was, never would.
But it was impossible to just abandon and leave everything as if it was nothing. If you live in a war-zone, at some point, you would picked that gun, and take lives.
So, there she was. Hoping to tame the battle, hoping to erase the pain
“Why don’t you want to be in love?”
As if it was in the of the mountain, she burst, “I never say I do not want to be in it. It was always about layered pain. Everyone encourages, forces me to be. Nobody told me that you need to look and be in a certain mold so that they will accept you. Nobody told me that there’s codes and codes about what a perfect woman and girl should be. Nobody told me, when I was very young, that people who called themselves in love will hit you, or kill you, literally. So, I only knew that love is painful.
Then life goes on. Nobody shows me that love can be beautiful too. Nobody. I was always there for the pain, the rejection, the loneliness, the resentment, the beating, the killing, the abdication. So when those who actually love me for me come, I didn’t know what to do, what to be. Then I pushed them away, and they never come back.
So I comeback to my first takeaway about love again. Always. If alone is pain, why should I have another one just to add more pain?”
The aging Asian therapist stared at her deeply, slowly, “Then why do you come here?”
To that, she slowly melted to tears, “Because nobody ever tell me that even though you have always been alone, you can never feel enough of loneliness.”
November 15th, 2021
Post watching Taylor Swift’s “All too Well”
Prominent Queen est. 1995 