Prominent Queen est. 1995

A Manifesto

“What kind of story do you want to make throughout your life?“

And just today, it got donned upon me: Identity

I want to constantly write about identity

Because being a woman from third world countries (who is just “lucky enough” to somehow speak English in the accent of the Arts), if you are not good enough, you will be walked over. But if you shed your whole blood, sweat, and tears until it is not left, you barely passed “good enough,” and earn a “participation trophy.” Or even some people would say, “Why are you so restless?” or “Why do you have to try so hard? Are you trying to belittle others (women)?”

As a context, when I was writing this, I was listening to Latinos based musical, “In the Heights,” living in the Netherlands, as an Indonesian

I was always confused about my own identity.

Men hated me because I threatened them; women hated me because I was accused of superiority.

My own people hated me because they said I went against the nature

Here is how it goes:

I used to be taught that I could only marry anyone of my tribe, Bataknese, because this is the only best tribe on earth – Not until I realized the people who ironically tortured me the most often come from there.

I used to be taught that my best friends must be of the same religion as what I am, a Christian, because only “Those coming from the Lord Jesus can actually give you some kind of ‘aligned’ enlightenment.” – Not until I realized, the best friends are often Moslems, some indeed were Christians, or having no religions at all.

(Although to be fair, I still try as hard to persist Jesus’ greatest love letter to this world: Love thy neighbor)

I used to fantasize that having a Chinese-Indonesian lover could actually be the answer to what I was looking for – Not until I realized I wasted years of my life, hating myself, to pursue the love I thought I deserved

I used to hate Kpop, but in less than 3 years, exactly in 2010, I went head-over-heels, permanently, for it – Even today.

I have learned Bahasa Indonesia, English, Bataknese, Javanese, Sundanese, Chinese, Japanese, German, Korean, Thai, Spanish, and Dutch throughout my life. I also constantly watched Taiwanese serials, The Phillippines and the Nordics. I love Latin culture, as much as Hispanics – So, even though I am not an expert, whenever I was standing on an aisle, I most probably could tell which citizens are which

I studied pharmacy when what I did more was creating theatre plays, poetry, short stories, art.

Instead of stealing time to memorize drug interactions, I did that for business models and plans.

I told about love stories when my love stories suck as hell

I aimed to be a filmmaker, a prominent writer, an actress, but that’s the last thing I have been doing in this one last decade

I said money is not everything, but I have always been so scared to be penniless and be controlled (by men) again

I told people to be strong when I was always a crybaby

I was, no, I still don’t know who I am. What is my identity?

I used to build scenarios in my head that life in Europe would be the answer.

Although it is still far too premature to assume anything, I realized that maybe it’s not as black-or-white as I used to naively think about

But what a point to tell about identity

Who are we?

Really, who are we? Why are we? Where are we going?

February 3rd, 2022

Groningen, in the middle of severe covid related body pain