This first 2 A.M thought dump will be dedicated to one of the most common topics that occasionally keeps me awake: The philosophy behind “love,” “love,” and “being with someone.”
“You need to, you know, move on and open your heart. It’s not that hard, Lidya.”
Inside, I always murmured, “Gak bisa, anjing.” (“I can not, you punk.”)
Lately, I have been thinking about this a lot. Yes, thinking instead of feeling. I have always been fascinated with the theory behind human behaviours in my whole life. Behind “love,” behind “partnership,” behind “sex,” even behind “commitment and marriage.” One reason is very simple: It is very hard for me to experience “love.” I don’t even know what “that” is.
Sometimes, I defined that as a strong drive to be with someone, to call someone my boyfriend/partner. Sometimes, I have no idea.
Previously, at least in my super conservative family, having a partner is just considered to be “natural.” It is an “inevitable part of a human life stage.” I have always rebelled inside, “Why?”
But, even before it was all answered, the other questions stack. In modern society, post social media, the purpose of having a partner (boyfriend, for me) is even more confusing.
Is it for a social media post?
Is it for the “couple goals” update?
Is it for writing a “Thank God I am marrying my best friend” post?
Okay, is it for other more bragging?
Is it just so you can be in-tuned like everybody else?
Is it for “contents,” like how influencers will document their life with someone, travel the whole world and so on?
What? What is it?
Whenever someone said, “I have a boyfriend,” or even “I am getting married,” my mind always went blank, even for split seconds. I would always think to myself, “How? How come? Kok bisa, anjing?”
I sometimes found that this is quite common among the girl peer group. Although, to be fair, among mine (maybe because I am not one to talk about it much either), I rarely encountered that anymore.
Apparently, this is why I love spending time with guys more. But then, problems arose when I became “attracted” to them, given that I am a heterosexual. This is usually after a wide range of talks, from the deepest to the stupidest one. (I always hated that unknown feeling. You know, the desire to kiss them or drag them to bed. Whichever way you put it. But even then, I am not sure if it is “love.” I think it is more of an attraction, no?)
Yet, when they are “attracted (to me)” by the time I realized that it was “attraction,” it would have been too late. These guys would have been given up, saying, “How come you did not notice before? How come are you so slow?” (I mean, HOW THE FCK AM I GOING TO KNOW IF YOU DON’T TELL ME?!) And the cycle goes on and on.
I can always go in-depth with self-analysis, like “bullying track record,” “fear of being judged,” and so on. I grew up being told as “unlikeable” (in non-physical traits) and “ugly and fat” (in the physical traits). The thought of a guy liking me always got me like, “No. There is no way.”
To be fair, it has become one of my focuses to work on myself nowadays. I work harder but humbly to be kind to myself and realize that I am worthy of love. (Romantically and all).
But even when nowadays I entered the “more liberal society,” I still can not really pinpoint why I can not just be in “love.” Before going to the Netherlands, I always pictured that it would be a skill that “magically appeared.”
Let’s be honest: I can always date and have sex with just everyone around here. No one cares. T*nder or other dating apps is just one click away. Society will not care or count you less (e.g., as a woman) for sleeping around. (Maybe they will, but at least not to your face). I can always be the “stereotypically wild animal,” correct? (Unless it is HIV, if it is about the side effect of sex, like unwanted pregnancy, there’s always someways to overcome it.)
Or, I can not.
And it’s not even because I am so “eager” or “thirsty” for love.
The last time I called myself in “love” was not even “a relationship.” I truly loved him in hindsight, but I was also obsessing over him. Surely, he dropped “hints” here and there. (I mean, I am stupid, but not that stupid. If he wouldn’t have dropped “some signals,” I would have given up since month 6 or something. LOL)
It was almost 7 years ago. And now, even though I can proudly say that I am really open to new “love,” to say that I have completely got over it would be a lie. (Not because I want to date him. It’s just the melancholia is still there).
And that’s why, if anything, my writing boils down to the question that always stays in my head:
What is the philosophy of “love?” Why the fck do we need it? Why can’t we just go around and “have everyone?”
Why does a relationship fascinate me so much? Why do we, human beings, need (romantic/partnership) relationships so much?
Why are there people who can just move on in a blink of an eye, from one to the other, and there are people like me who, even after years, are still stung by the memory?
Why do we need a partner? Is it for sex? But can sex toys not be it? Or perhaps, friends with benefit?
Why can having “just friends,” “nieces or nephews,” “families,” be enough?
Indeed, in Indonesia, religious beliefs say that “marriage” is a “sacred religious practice.” It is holy. It is whole. At least that’s what they taught me in Sunday schools or what I heard from Islamic preachers on TV. But why?
Okay, that’s it for this other 2 A.M thoughts dump
Judge me if you want. But these all are my very valid questions
Let’s discuss if you want to
February 19th, 2022
Groningen, In between Eunice Storm
Prominent Queen est. 1995 