One day, I woke up, and I was about to be 27. “It’s about time to let go. You will never make it.”
As I just sprained my ankle 5 days ago, details became irrelevant. All I remembered was pain, neither a face nor a name.
“It’s time. We have seen enough. It’s time for you to leave now.”
I didn’t remember how the world became a place so literal, “If you want it, you get it. Work hard; it will pay off. A lot have made it far in life. Why can’t you be like them?”
I wanted to be an athlete, but I was an actor. My mom made me stay in the programme as a child. Yet, I believed I was born to twist my bone in one of the gymnastic bars. So, I started extending my muscle and pouring more powder. “Because I just have to want this enough.”
The thing about my life is we only have 27 years of the trial period. If I don’t get to make it, then the system will automatically be turned off. “Sorry, we have to let you go. You cost so much maintenance fee.”
That’s why many settled soon as they could, earlier than one could imagine.
Doctors, lawyers, cooks, and even drag queens. They no longer allowed themselves to wander, days in and out. “Just make it to the bank, make it without a bang. Fulfil your daily quota, and make the system proud.”
I was 26, and I tried everything I could. To defy death, to defy my mortgage. My parents tried to warn me, “Get a real life. The most realistic one. Being an ambulance driver is even more beneficial than this one.”
In another universe, maybe they are just worried about failure. Here, they are actually worried that the system will kill me.
“26 years, nine months, and five days. Your permit will expire in 85 days. Make sure you have met your minimum requirement to stay alive.
I became so devastated. So, I began to decide for real: I would give in.
And when the day comes, the system checks in, “Are you even for real?”
I took a plea, “I tried everything I could. Someone once said that I just need to want it enough. I wanted it more than anything. Worked harder than anyone could ever imagine. If that’s all life offers, I am a failure, so be it.”
I felt the lasers slicing in. The pain sunk in. Slowly, I noticed my consciousness leaving my body, ready for whatever came next. An event that I would not even remember, for I no longer existed.
I just wished for one thing: I hoped I would have choices in another universe, in another possibility. That failure would be left out of the premises. That life would be kinder for anyone who could not find anything to differ. I wished life would treat that person better.
That’s when I noticed: I no longer existed, but hopes within.
September 3rd, 2022
Prominent Queen est. 1995 