Prominent Queen est. 1995

Part 2 : Relation(shits) vs Relationship – About Current Reality

“I love you so much, so I let you go to find the happiness you will never find with me.”

Formally, I have stated this twice in my life. Every time, it still stings. I have no plan to state it anymore in life. Therefore, I believe, this is the greatest driving reason in my life for not settling in, in at least this whole decade. In this part, I want to compare relationshits and relationships in life, from what I was told and the value I grew for myself.

Chapter 1 : About Relation(shits)

Being Alone VS Being Lonely

Generally, I do not think the society truly fights for a relationship, for love. Most people are just to damn scared to be alone, and is too coward to admit so.

Do not get me wrong. I have encountered great people on both sides. I knew exactly people who are with someone and they are fully content with themselves, the relationship, and the partners. Both parties go toward excelsior, constantly. Honestly, I am a jealous b*tch for them, although is being completely blissful, nonetheless.

Still, most often than not, nearing 25 years on earth, the most common phrase I am injected with, is this:

“You have to be with someone, or you will be alone. You will be lonely, and incomplete. You will die alone”

The depiction was very beautiful performed in Daniel Sloss’ Live Show: Jigsaw.

In my own words, I should say: Most people still can not distinguish being alone to being lonely. 

To me, the highest form of loneliness is having someone by your side, and still encountered a huge gaping hole. The pain that is born out of it is so excruciating, that  (in my case) I often wished to not have the other person at all, at the first hand. In many cases I found, even in most times for most people, the reasons are indescribable.

Although, it is not entirely their fault. Parenting style and childhood are particular driving force behind one’s key takeaway to “loneliness” vs “being alone.” I should say that I am very privileged to differentiate between the two.

A Fish Love

Years ago, I came across a very interesting piece in YouTube: A Fish Love

It transformed my life ever since. Previously, I perceived relationship as a way to fulfill my need, to complete me. It means having someone who always takes care of me, someone who is excitedly look into my realms, someone who can be whatever I want them to be. In short, everything centered toward me.

It is quite understandable, though. In my family, it is quite common to say that a child is born to serve the parents’ needs, to fulfill their un-meet desire, to take care of them as they age. In a retrospect, that was my very first introduction or pillar to “love” (despite ironically being raised mainly in conservative Christian values, which among main values is “unconditional love.”)

I never hate my Christianity. Still, it annoyed me until today every time I saw parents around me who falsely and selfishly use that point to meet their own needs. Particularly, “The Fifth Commandment.”

The damage it caused is too great. Most importantly, it kept on injecting the wrong values of life to the generations to come.

That, “One’s destiny is determined in the hands of men.” Horrible!

It HAS TO be About You First (Whilst Around Here, It IS NOT)

Couple of years ago, one of my distant relative told this,

“To marry is to merge two family. You have to consider everyone’s choice in it too.”

Well, what to expect from a traditional commune, no? I can not blame this takeaway.

But I WILL NEVER succumb to it. I saw how it went to my closest ones. It consumed many of the people from the inside. All I can summarize is I do not want that in my life, ever. I am not sorry for that.

Aside from that, this same female relative told me,

“It is easy to make a woman fall in love with a man. Get her bore a child (especially a son) for her husband. She ought to love him, eventually.”

Only years later, I can confirmed that the uneasiness which was instantly formed inside me then inside was ABSOLUTELY VALID. 

Because, “Excuse me, do you mean it is okay to have systematic, legalized, and institutionalized rape toward women?”

I do NOT think so.

Of Expiration Age

I think Indonesians (and/or most Asians) are familiar with this concept very well.

“Be with someone, right here, right now, fast. Especially if you are a woman. Soon enough you will be rotten, and you can attract no one anymore.”

Well for me, ‘I am not a fruit. I am a living human being.’

If staying true to my nature takes longer for me to be with someone (or never), then that’s the universe’s writing for me.

Again, why be with someone, if you still feels alone?

Chapter 2 : About Relationship

(Disclaimer: these all are purely my perspectives. Under no circumstances you are obliged to reckon with me, nor you can force me to switch mine to yours)

The Unfinished Business Named Myself

In the previous part, I have talked about my struggle, what made me who I am. I used to deny those parts of mine. To be honest, in most situation, I still instinctively am. Although I never exactly loose my family (re: deceased), I never felt their full presence in my life either. It was never easy. Naturally, human beings need a flock. For the longest of time, I never had some.

I pictured having a flock means having people someone can trust fully, being completely vulnerable to. 

“You need a partner to answer that need.”

Honestly, in most cases, considering how often I was told so, I often believed so. But again, how unfair I am being? 

It is my job to fix me. And as long as I am still an unstable, messed up black hole, I should never invite anyone in. 

Because, either I will damage them….

… OR I will only keep on inviting those who will damage me more.

The Person who NEVER SETTLES: In Search for “Love and Meaning”

I grew up and is currently spending most of my time within one of the most communal society there is (or ever will be). Indonesia society is very unique. It is beautiful, “family friendly…”

…. but with that, comes an inevitability: personal boundaries and individual choice.

Of course, the more I learned about them, the more I found that it is UNLIKELY for a human being to find both individuality and communal. You either have one, or none at all. (If you happened to attain both, CONGRATULATIONS. You are very privileged.)

In which, for me, I would love to trade “family friendly” to individual independence. Also, to sum up in a big picture, I am a very curious person who is still looking for things and meaning in life. 

Some people find it through dating more, f*cking more (or ‘making love’ more), being immersed in more activities, fighting for causes, travelling, and so on. Everyone has a different approach to search of meaning.

I do not settle. Not now, nor ever. A person very dear to me once did this by settling for less. The price this person still actively have to pay goes in extension to in-debt me too. I do not want such kind of life. 

Obviously, I am free to adapt so. This is my life. I am still wandering. I am not settling. If you can not accept that…

….. the exit gate is open.

I Am Yet to Learn to “Love Unconditionally”

Previously, I have talked about a fish love. To sum up this point, I should say that I am yet to understand how to carry the opposite of “the fish love,” the unconditional one. 

As much as I ought to attract someone who can love 100% me, I have to love 100% of them. Right now, my tiny brain still has to say, “HOW SHOULD WE DO THAT? WE HAVE NO MANUAL ON IT!”

 

Maybe, I can learn as I go. I do not dodge the possibility that (right) after writing these pages long, I immediately be in a relationship with someone. I understand that to love unconditionally still comes from never-ending practice.

Nevertheless, for now, and any time within a decade ahead, settling in is not an option. 

Yes, I am allowed to do that. This is my choice.

Lastly, I just learned to stop apologizing for holding ULTRA HIGH standard

I kept an ultra high standard for myself. For the longest of time, I lower mine every time I want to “catch people in the radar.” I always ended up paying huge price to it.

Nowadays, I am called a picky b***h for holding this up. It is hard to carry on with this, proudly, without a shame.

Therefore, as I am learning to carry on without apologizing, I’d rather be alone.

To sum up this writing, I have to say I barely learn how to love myself, fully, whilst making peace that I can not change the society nor always meeting their expectation. Which is completely okay. How am I ever be able to attract the ‘right people’ when I do not treat myself right as well?

In the last part, I ought to talk about the future, both mine and the society (from my perspective). See you!

July 6, 2020

Indonesia