“Congratulations, you have just made a purchase of X.”
I frowned instantly. I kinda felt the pang inside me.
Because I just decided to get Z instead.
And let me tell you the full story: at first, I have decided to purchase W. I have fully dedicated my mind on it. Then I encountered V, Y, Z. I was puzzled among them. Someone else, the external source introduced me to X, in which I was not exactly paying attention to as much as I did to the others. I was not very fond of it, not even as a backup option. Just like that, in the very last moment, when someone picked X for me, I found myself ‘succumbing’ to it.
I have never shy away from one of my flaw: a very slow decision maker. Even though as I go I learned to adapt, thinking fast when I am required to, I still see myself a very slow one in choosing. Especially for a personal life related choice.
A meal to take. A new phone to replace my previously stolen one. A destination for my annual trip.
Even boiling down into whether I should build a relationship with someone.
It took me years to fully form ‘the truth’ from one of my life changing moment back in 2013: Picking a school I have zero f*cking idea to, The Pharmacy School. Despite it made me who I am today, I honestly still wondered for myself, how would my life be if I were not there.
I can pick thousands of “quotes to live by” to counter my own self regret situation, especially about how bad comparing is, how few things ought to happen to make you, and so on.
Still, I can not stop myself from wondering:
Is this a fate of humanity, that if one does not decide for oneself, someone else will?
Is this why we believe in the “Greater Good,” to soothe our own regret of not choosing the other way, standing for what believe is right? Is this why we believe in “God’s plan?”
Do we dodge the choice to decide for ourselves because it is less terrorizing, considering we do not have to be responsible of the aftermath of the choice? Yet, is it not more daunting to hold ourselves for responsibility that was not born out of our decision?
Do we find succumbing to the peers’ choice because it is a less lonely and more popular path?
Hold on, why do we always have to choose immediately and accurately right away? What is so wrong about being slow learner, slow decision maker?
I can not stop wondering.
July 7, 2020
Inside My Mind
Prominent Queen est. 1995 