“I want to leave this nest, but I am afraid to embrace the new, to start over. I am not exactly an open person. What would ‘those new others’ will perceive me? Will I survive? Will I be okay?”
“You can NOT let your own limitations hold you back. Naturally, I am a no much further different person than you are. But I keep going on. I succumb to the great universe (God). I believe. I just go with it, because I know things will be alright. I will be alright. After all, I do not want my enemies see my weaknesses, nor will I ever want them to see me weak.”
In fact, this is an actively repeating banter. Clearly, that I am hesitant to go beyond my comfort zone is a problem.
Thus, even to me, it is often very weird to find “experts” saying I have the leadership capacity. I relate more to the point where I bear a horrible adaptation skills. I am a slow decision maker.
To top these all pathetic attempt: I know how pathetic I am being, yet I clung onto it, very tightly, without exactly transforming into something new.
Of course I can ramble about my weaknesses: an HSP, an introvert, a stubborn woman, so on and forth. Still, it will not invalidate what a cowardly role I am playing, consciously.
Lately, in the midst of my own wonder, my own confusion, I kept on asking myself:
How much longer will I be the same old me?
How much longer will I clung to this fear, this uncertainty?
How much longer I will doubt myself, perceive myself so lowly?
I still can hear that voice again inside my head, “You need to hold yourself together. If you are not sure of yourself, no one ever will. You are never brave enough, the time will never come. Just go with it”
So on the top of my own self doubt, with this person who is constantly telling the same encouraging speech all over me….
Is it the North Star to move one, to embrace the unknown?
July 8, 2020
Inspired by the Magnificent Ms.M
Prominent Queen est. 1995 