Prominent Queen est. 1995

How many of you have this habit on storing foods because you find them too precious, and you intend to keep them for the best moments?

I do.

Now, the next question: Who among you finally find it too fucking late already, and the food has got rotten, that saving them in the first place serve purpose no longer. 

I do. m

In fact, by the time I am writing this, I just encountered this kind of situation.

So, I had this famous drink from “Lady Green” coffee and lifestyle franchise which I was very sweet of. This drink is specially popularized during the #covid19 pandemic, where they create this one variant, a 1 Litre sized bottle.

Since the first time I learned about it that product line, I craved them. But I found them too pricey.  Not until one point, they offer half price discount for two bottles purchase. I thought the occasion was such a gift from heaven (typical Indonesian with discounts HAHAHA).

But then, I decided to drink only one, the one I like less, and kept the best one for much later. I thought, “There will be a moment within 10 days ahead, when I can savor this drink like a queen, in peace, and enjoying them bit by bit.”

Or so I thought.

In reality, I was so entrapped by my mundane lifestyle, until I did not see 13 days have passed since I purchased them. By the time I “remembered” I have this “the drink for a queen,” the bottle had almost exploded on my fridge, and it smelt like The Flying Dutchman ship.

I found myself throw them away in such attitude where I blame myself deeply for “this incident.” My mom, typical Indonesian mom, did not help at all. She fueled the situation by lashing typical mom’s dialogues, “Kan udah Mama bilang, diminum aja.” (“What did I tell you about just open it, and not keeping them for too long?”)

For a brief moment, as the drive to write this hit me like a truck, my mind wandered and correlated my then current situation to that one quote I live by from Home Alone 2 (1992) :

To be honest, I kept chanting this quote inside me for long. Naturally, I have this habit to just keep things. I always see things as a living, breathing object from the past, some sort of artifacts. It can be as “monumental” as flying to Zimbabwe, but also can be as mundane as going out on a cinema with my brother.  From candy wrapping I found in the student conference’s international night, to parking ticket I collected as I made a way back from an awful and boring date. 

What I do not consciously realise, though is that I use a similar habit in using my heart towards people. Lately, I do reckon that I have grown into a more affectionate being, at least peripherally. I communicate how much I appreciate and love people for what they do, or for simply being in my life. (Believe me, kids, it is an adaptation skills that is very essential which I learnt in the worst possible way, in the past 20 years. But, as heartless as this sounds, I genuinely do this because I am very thankful indeed). 

On the inside, I do not think I communicate much about my own feelings. I always think, “Oh, there will be a next time for that. No worries.”

On the hindsight, although I hate to admit them, I realise it was because I hate being rejected. I hate if the response I receive is something that will hurt me or makes me more alienated.

Now, to be fair, I have been rejected in the worst possible way there is. People abandoned and outcast-ed me in a form that I often doubt I, myself, exist at all. Maybe because I have a very unorthodox perspectives on things, which makes them uncomfortable. Indeed, only now, I can exclaim without a shame; “I am proud of them. I am proud of myself.”

Nevertheless, I still live within the reality, where people (generally) do not like me, my capabilities, my mind, my strong thirst for knowledge. And I, ironically, still want to be with them. To be at least collaborate and improve their life, even if I will be misunderstood, much more than I already am. 

I know it is ridiculous to ponder over rotten “fancy drink” in the first place. It is just. If it reflects anything, it should be only about my own recklessness in storing or remembering items I have.

Yet, like I said, because I understand the way my mind work (or at least, trying to), I kind of get why this kind of “just” matters a lot. Especially in remembering this is not the first time things have gone at waste, because I thought, “Ah, this will do me greatly later.”

So in this writing, perhaps what I am trying to is that “What if there is no such a thing as “later?”

Somethings are meant to be spoken and to be cherished right here, right now, because we obviously do not live forever. This is especially driven by my experience in watching  “The Old Guard” (2020) , about immortals who have roughly live for a thousand years. I realized that when I compared the characters’ life and mine. They have lived that long, whilst I, if God allow will only be able to live at least 5% amount of their sum. And even if I got to live like them (somehow), people that matter in my life are not going to be around any longer.

Maybe, few things happened in the immediate reality needs you to response upon them immediately. Indeed, it will still be your call for not responding to them altogether. But like my heart now, feeling at lost for having to throw such an important items I cherished for “much later” (that “mere” drink), there will always be consequences. 

And look, I am not suggesting you to be careless or hedonistic. Some immediate things are indeed just deadly seductions you should never give yourselves into. What I am saying, is that why do not we cherish what we have, in the time we have them? Why do not we use things, that are meant to be used NOW, mindfully?

Because like Kevin said, if we kept them for too long, too afraid they will be too worn when we need them “later,” time of which never came….

…. what difference it makes to have them broken in the first place?

August 9, 2020

Me, crying over wasted drink I have imagined to drink slowly since I bought them at the first place!